Thoughts and reflections

 I had a realization today. This has been going on far longer than I thought and I only realized that because I see how dismissive I am on a daily basis. I don’t mean of anyone’s feelings but of things I see and hear.

An example would be last night, it was a terrible night, hot, uncomfortable and I just had this sense that someone was standing in the hallway watching me. I really dislike that feeling and it made me shine a flashlight in the hallway because I honestly thought someone was watching me in the dark. Then about 1 am (I was awake, again-uncomfortable) I heard what I thought was my baby daughter cry briefly and in my head I thought ok that was just the baby. Again being dismissive until I remembered that she was lying right next to me asleep. No TV’s on, dead silent.

I always try to find a rational explanation for things before jumping to conclusions, always. I think it’s gotten to the point where I try to rationalize everything, even things that can’t be rationalized just to ease my mind. That quick movement out of the corner of my eye? Oh that’s just a shadow or a reflection of something. That creaking coming from upstairs, that’s just the house settling or an animal outside maybe. I’m trying to learn to slow down and stop guessing of what it Might be and look deeper into it.

If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t mind seeing More activity around me, just to see and experience more objectively so that it’s not all up here in my minds eye.

I also wanted to write about last weeks class as I’ve been too busy lately to actually get on and relay what all happened. I was teamed with my classmate this time and she’s got a pretty heavy accent which is a little difficult to discern. The instructor asked us to read each other, I was a bit nervous and I always want to dive in head first but can’t seem to shake this nervous energy right before a reading.

My confidence felt a little shot at first because though I did sense a man for her, I wasn’t getting as much detail as I’d liked to. The instructor wanted us to focus on their personality which usually is my strong suit however this time I kept being shown 1 specific thing and it was difficult to relay to her. When I described him to her, she kept looking confused and said it could be 2 people and it felt ‘general’. I absolutely hate that word and I try my best to be as specific as possible so as not to cast doubt. The instructor mentioned that it was a culture thing and she had a hard time understanding a particular word I was using-masculine.

I saw him with his chest puffed out with a sense of pride surrounded by 4 girls. I kept mentioning that he keeps coming back to this and showing me this particular scene and I had a hard time getting past this until she could validate it. Finally in the end she understood it was her grandfather and he had 4 daughters. I wanted to try and get more but I felt like I was losing the link because she wasn’t validating the info. It was all very frustrating and I didn’t have that same sense of confidence with her that I had previously. He also brought through his wife whom she could validate the description and personality.

When she read me I think she had 2 people at once but she was fairly accurate for the most part. I felt emotional because I knew who she was speaking of and he had passed only months prior. I’m feeling a little emotional right now because I still have trouble grasping the concept of this whole thing. It just doesn’t feel real and doesn’t feel like this is possible but yet it is. I am so eager to move forward and progress but I lack the solitary time to practice with others. I have so many daily obligations that I feel overwhelmed for the most part. It’s a huge part of me and I want to share it yet I....I don’t know. It’s a daily struggle.