Life's Challenges

 Why is it so difficult lately? 

Things would just flow before and now I'm letting my fear get the best of me. I want to really get started in Reiki but it's almost as if the universe is telling me it's not the right time. When will it ever be the right time? This year has been one of the hardest of my life, I almost lost my life, my father is fighting for his right now, we are struggling in every sense of the word and finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've tried repeatedly to really step into this facet of my life and every time, it seems there is something always in the way, a roadblock gets thrown at me and no matter how much I want to pursue this, I. Just. Can't.

I know its all temporary and this too shall pass.

That knowledge doesn't ease my mind. I want to really pursue this part of my life and come out of the shadows, how can I do that? I have family obligations, work obligations, time restrictions, I don't even really have time for me-save for the few minutes I have before collapsing in bed at night. It's a cycle that I wish I could shatter and just Be.

What do I want realistically? I want to practice Reiki part time, practice medium readings, spend time with like minded individuals locally and discuss these topics and life in general. Not have to focus on my two small businesses all the time and worry about my next move. All I do is worry and I feel flustered and overwhelmed with daily obligations and the little time I have to fulfill all these tasks.

Let me share something, I had to fly out of town for a few days last month because my father was in the ICU and left my partner with my 4 kids. He, his sister and mother couldn't even handle everything that I do on the daily-3 of them. And they wonder why Im overwhelmed and exhausted all the time, Im just one person. I really hope it was an eye opener but when I returned, I had even more to deal with which is sad and upsetting all on its own.

Going back to the right timing. When will that be? I feel like it should be now, I feel a change, I sense something brewing and I don't know where to put that energy. I'm starting to see spirit again, hear names, see people, know things. It's a sense of knowing and a sense of my body giving me sensory input, ringing in the ears, sensation of someone else in a space besides myself.

I remember all this and it's familiar but it doesn't last. It's like an ocean wave crashing and receding, repeatedly. What am I missing? I feel more sensitive to everything, even now, I feel emotion in the back of my throat, like I want to cry but there's no rhyme or reason. I know my heart chakra is open and receptive. I have the feeling like I want to help others, it's not my ego,  it's the urge to assist and usher relief to another.

Maybe what we look for in helping others is what we crave for ourselves. I don't know. 

I want the time to be now. I'm tired of waiting for the right time, it's time to make the time for myself. I'll keep trying and maybe doors will open for me, sooner.

I feel like I'm just complaining but I'm just tired, mentally and emotionally. I still plan to pursue my goals, persistence is one of my strong suits, I just need the confidence to really push past my hesitations.